Directed by: Michael Bay
Written By: Ehren Kruger, Roberto Orci, & Alex Kurtzman
Cast: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, & John Turturro
Runtime: 150 min
Rating: PG-13
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Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is equivalent to a school bully, easily confused into thinking itself as important and worthy of respect, but scared of the truth that underneath its shiny exterior, it is nothing more than a big, dumb jerk with daddy issues. I hasten to call this Transformers sequel a film by any normal standards. It is a grating, obnoxious, and a morally reprehensible excuse for a feature film, one that takes pleasure from belittling its audience after consistently bashing their heads in with sight and sound. Naturally, it all starts at the beginning. Michael Bay, a puppet pretending to be a filmmaker, begins the story with a raid against hidden Decepticons not destroyed in the first film. The raid, a joint operation between the Autobots and the American military, destroys half of Shanghai, kills countless civilians, and in the end confused me to no end. No surprise then that over the course of two-and-a-half hours, the entire film plays out like a long, confusing collage of images, sounds, and violent, perverted fanaticism, where actors are shortchanged for countless robots—all of whom look exactly the same as each other. The plot is a smorgasbord of events, seemingly patched together at random. It is only halfway through the film that it dawned on me: Michael Bay doesn’t know what he’s doing. Maybe I had him wrong all these years, mistaking him for a brash, arrogant director making truly repulsive films like Bad Boys II and Pearl Harbor. I assumed he made films for the lowest common denominator because he was a slave to the box office and harbored contempt for audiences. Perhaps Bay can best be understood as a doppelgänger for the kinds of films he cranks out every couple of years—loud and brash, but frightened and crippled underneath, frantically trying to win the approval of complete strangers but deeply suspicious of his own talent and vision. Ultimately, Bay and Transformers suit each other. Both are bullies looking for someone to love them. I am reminded of the Woody Allen line from Annie Hall (I know, weird connection but bear with me). Alvy and Annie are looking at the Brooklyn bridge when Annie asks him if he loves her. Alvy tells her that the word love isn’t strong enough, he has to make a new word—he “luffs” her; he “lurves” her. Well, calling Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen a film is an injustice to films. There simply aren’t words in the English language, or in film grammar, for what Bay and his team have conceived and unleashed into the world.

Richard X
© Cinephile Magazine, 2009