Directed by: Michael Bay
Screenplay by: Roberto Orci, & Alex Kurtzman
Cast: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, and Tyrese Gibson
Runtime: 144 min.
Rating: PG-13
Trailer

I must disclose right off the top that having never played with the toys as a kid or watched the cartoon I don’t have any personal investment in either the story or the characters, which means that I came to the film with a blank slate, hoping Bay would make me regret never giving those toys a chance. Alas, that’s not the case. There’s always been a self-indulgent arrogance to Michael Bay films, suggesting his cinematic indulgences stem from childish ignorance. His over stylized, orange hued pastels, scream sentimental pap, all the while praising all-American virtues as seen by a 13 year old boy: hot girls, hot cars and hot toys, or some variation of the three. It only seems fitting that a man-child like Bay comes to direct an action film based on a line of Hasbro toys from the eighties. In his latest film, however, that arrogance is not only off-putting, but it’s so on-the-nose that it is mildly offensive. I say mildly offensive because taking a movie this ridiculous seriously is a waste of time and common sense (now who’s being arrogant?)

Shia LaBeouf, as nerdy teenager Sam Witwicky, is the one saving grace of Transformers. His performance is so over-the-top and sincere, it bristles with energy and captures all the wild-eyed astonishment and enthusiasm I would imagine a young man having after stumbling onto a conspiracy involving transforming robots battling in his backyard. All the credit doled out to LaBeouf, however, should be his and his alone, because judging from the other performances in Transformers, it is pretty apparent Michael Bay doesn’t know how direct actors. This is painfully realized with the embarrassing duo of Jon Voight and John Turturro – two celebrated actors who come out looking misplaced and ridiculous. But LaBeouf is so funny and convincing, I longed for more of him and less of the robots. People may argue that real-life characters are in fact secondary to a film about robots, and they would be right, but considering the robots – they being the Decepticons, lead by the evil Megatron, and the Autobots, lead by the heroic Optimus Prime – are so non-descript and perfunctory, what is a critic to do? When not trying desperately to tell them apart in all the chaos, their presence is insubstantial. The actions scenes, of which there is surprisingly little, are cut to within an inch of their life that every sequence is a blur of metal, smoke, fire, debris and deafening noise. Meanwhile, collateral damage is barely mentioned or recognized by Michael Bay, suggesting the audience should inherently revel in excitement at the thought of an entire busload of passengers are cut down in a fireball. None is as repulsive as an extended sequence involving a mechanized scorpion laying assault on a tiny Arab oasis. The village is absolutely demolished, yet nary is a word given about what’s happening, and even worse, the scene proves useless as it contains no legitimate narrative purpose other than a lame attempt at comedy.

When not destroying entire villages (remember Bay’s previous assault in Bad Boys II, involving a Hummer and Cuban homes), Bay and his collaborators spend an unreasonable amount of time on a scene so dull, any momentum the film might have had is stopped dead in its tracks. Never has a case been made about the dangers of over enthusiastic actor improvisation hurting a film than the scene in which LaBeouf spends nearly 15 minutes of screen time trying to find a pair of glasses. If anyone doubts that Michael Bay makes movies for racist, sexist and fascistic 13 year-old boys, witness the gratuitous exploitation of Megan Fox, as Mikaela Banes, Sam’s attractive sidekick. She exists only to be ogled, groped and threatened. Much has been said of the computer effects during the transformations, but since you can’t ever tell what the hell is happening, either because there are too many edits or because of the speed of the action, it makes little difference whether the action revolves around fighting robots or dancing dishwashers. The result is the same. A blur. I never got a visceral pleasure nor was I all that interested in what little plot that existed. To make matters worse, the robots don’t have faces or anything recognizable to pay attention to. It’s actually quite worrisome that Michael Bay spends most of his time fixing the camera over Megan Fox’s midriff and fetishsizing cars and weapons but little in the way of storytelling. I have to admit, though, that there are parts of the film I actually enjoyed and perked up for, although they were brief. The scene most will remember from the trailer where a little girl watches a transformer emerge from her swimming pool is good only because it seamlessly blends the fantastical with the ordinary, something Steven Spielberg does so well in his films. The other is an impressive slow motion shot of Optimus Prime and Megatron (I think) crashing straight through an office building and out the other side. Unfortunately, the rest of Transformers is a bore. It seems Bay would rather steer clear of narrative in order to take time out for referencing previous films, especially his own. One kid screams, “This is better than Armageddon!” The fact that he’s dead wrong should tell you all you need to know about Transformers.

Richard X
© Cinephile Magazine, 2007